This Love, This Hate
by Ceris Malfoy
Summary: It was a sick cycle of love and hate, one they both wanted to be free of, but one they both refused to give up. AU G1. Megatron/Starscream RnR!
1. It Begins

**Title:** This Love, This Hate

**Part 1: **It Begins

**By:** Ceris Malfoy

**Summary:** It was a sick cycle of love and hate, one they both wanted to be free of, but one they refused to give up.

**Inspiration:** Eminem's "Love the Way You Lie". This song practically screamer Megatron/Starscream to me, and I had to write it. Beware, this is not a happy story.

**Warnings: **_(for the whole fic)_ Non-con, abuse, character death (as it appears in canon!), foul language, semi-explicit sticky, slash

**Continuity:** AU G1, starts pre-war

**Status: **Part 1 of 5

* * *

_"And it's killing me when you walk away._

_And I wanna leave and I wanna stay._

_And I'm so confused, so hard to choose_

_between the pleasure and the pain._

_And I know it's wrong and I know it's right._

_Even if I tried to win the fight,_

_my heart would overrule my mind._

_And I'm not strong enough to stay away."_

**- Apocalypica, "Not Strong Enough"  
**

Starscream glanced around their quarters intently, checking to ensure that he had gotten everything. He gazed sadly at the small reminders of happier times: dents from where he had been shoved against the wall and 'faced silly, the now-bare wall that had once proudly displayed vid-files of their bonding ceremony, the burn mark on the floor from where Megatron had surprised him and he had fired his Null Rays…. The room now looked barely lived in, devoid of personality and presence, as it had before he had moved in.

A bitter smile crossed his dace as he carefully avoided looking at Megatron, who was sitting on their birth, watching him fixedly. Starscream could feel his lover's gaze like a branding on his wings. He said nothing to his lord, merely limped slowly but steadily towards the door. The arena medics were definitely not the best in the business, but they had been more than sufficient enough in their craft to get him back to some semblance of working order – and considering the severity of his wounds, that was no small feat.

"I'm sorry."

Starscream froze. He said nothing, merely remained standing in front of the entrance to their quarters. The quarters that, for the first time in a vorn, he would no longer be sleeping in. Thundercracker and Skywarp had spent the entirety of the last cycle moving his things into their quarters. He would have helped, if only to avoid this confrontation, but the severity of the damage to his spinal strut had left him unable to lift anything heavier than an energon cube.

He clenched his servos. He _still_ didn't know what he had done – one moment things had been fine, better than fine, and the next thing he knew, Megatron was beating him.

He knew Megatron loved him. Megatron loved him with an intensity that made his spark temporarily stop pulsing. He knew that love wasn't faked – one couldn't fake anything over a bond such as theirs – and he loved Megatron just as deeply; _needed_ him even more. Megaton was the only being he had left who even remotely cared about him; his creators had long ago disowned him, Skyfire was…well, Skyfire wasn't there, was he?, and not even his brothers really cared anymore. They had made absolutely clear to him that they were only housing him until he had recovered, and then he would have to find his own way.

"_Please_," came the soft, hesitant entreaty, and he couldn't help glancing over at his lord and lover. Megatron was still sitting on their birth, black servos clenching the edges hard enough to dent, tension causing his frame to tremble. Starscream could see just how hard Megatron was restraining himself from getting up and _forcing_ Starscream to stay – in his current condition, there was no way he would have been able to fend off Megatron, and they both knew it. "Please, don't leave me."

Starscream turned fully, careful in his movements. He still said nothing, merely stared at Megatron.

It had taken precisely one vorn of unresolved sexual tension between the two of them interfering in their arena battles before the two of them finally started interfacing whenever the mood took them; it had taken nearly twice that before the two of them had managed to admit to each other that they both wanted _more_ than just random interfacing; it had taken only two short years for them to make the decision to bond. It had been one of the best decisions either of them had ever made – they were both more efficient and more vicious in battle, their processors were finally capable of coordinating, and what few arguments they had could be settled quickly and quietly without any other mech knowing – which did wonders for moral amongst their burgeoning army.

But while Megatron's fierce love for him even now sunk into his very being, he also knew that Megatron was coming to hate him as well. Starscream didn't know why, didn't understand it, but there it was all the same. Megatron probably hadn't even been _aware_ of the growing hatred until the mech had finally snapped and beat him within an inch of his life. He _needed_ to leave before that hatred had a chance to grow any stronger; he needed to leave before that hate infected his own spark and was returned ten-fold. But….

He watched Megatron, noting the sorrowful optics, the slumped shoulders, and the tense frame. No one had ever loved him as deeply as Megatron did and no one ever would. How could he just walk away from this? One bad incident, one colossal mistake… surely they could work around this?

Starscream finally spoke. "Never again," he said quietly, knowing his lover would understand the ultimatum.

Megatron nodded, hope and relief brightening his optics. "Never again," he swore.

Starscream finally gave into the need pounding through his very being, and settled himself gently on his lord's lap. He sighed as Megatron's arms ever-so-carefully settled around him, mindful of the seriousness of his injuries. His lord's voice whispered quiet words in his audios; words of how he was sorry, how he would never do it again, how things between them would only get better.

Through their bond, he could feel that Megatron hated what he had done; hated that he had been the cause of Starscream's injuries. He could feel that his lover feared that Starscream would never trust him again; feared that he would leave and never look back. And he knew that his lord grieved, because they both knew that even as Megatron whispered those words, those promises, that they were nothing but lies.

Perhaps, if the damage and hateful, seething words that had been spoken as he had lain on the floor, broken and bleeding copious amounts of energon had _truly_ been done in the heat of the moment, they might have been able to put it behind them. Perhaps if that absolute loathing wasn't growing in Megatron's spark…. But there was no going back from this. Not now, not ever.

And maybe he was a fool for not leaving now while there was still a chance for him to do so, but he loved Megatron, needed him, even when the mech was lying to him.

* * *

**Pretty much the same chapter that appeared in chapter 10 of ****It's A Screamer's World****, but I did add some stuff in. Hopefully it reads a bit better. This fic will juggle points of view between both Megatron and Starscream, so you'll get to see both sides of all this. Please let me know what you think!**

**There are going to be five parts because there were five songs that I heard and went "Holy Hell, that's a Megascream song!" There will be an excerpt from each song as a chapter opener. This fic will be updated whenever I get a chance to – I'm going on vacation tomorrow, so I might not have a reliable internet connection. We'll find out, won't we?**

**EDIT 2/25/2011: I'm going through this entire story and editing it a bit. Primarilly fixing some spelling errors, adding a few sentences here and there, and changing the songs I use. I found some better ones. XD**


	2. Goodbye

**Title:** This Love, This Hate

**Part 2: **Continuation

**By: **Ceris Malfoy

**Summary:** It was a sick cycle of love and hate, one they both wanted to be free of, but one they refused to give up.

**Inspiration:** Eminem's "Love the Way You Lie". This song practically screamer Megatron/Starscream to me, and I had to write it. Beware, this is not a happy story.

**Warnings: **_(for the whole fic)_ Non-con, abuse, character death (as it appears in canon!), foul language, semi-explicit sticky, slash

**Continuity:** AU G1, starts pre-war

**Status: **Part 2 of 5

* * *

_"Tilling my own grave to keep me level._

_Jam another dragon down the hole._

_Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren,_

_one that pushes me along and leaves me so  
_

_desperate and ravenous,_

_so weak and powerless,_

_over you."_

**-A Perfect Circle, "Weak and Powerless"**

Megatron sat in the dark, optics offline, trying to ignore the scent of the freshly-spilt energon on his servos. He was trying not to remember the feeling of fragile wings as they crumbled beneath the force of his grip; trying to forget the sound of Starscream screaming, begging him to stop

– _Stop, please! Not my wings, NOT MY WINGS, PLEASE! – _

trying to erase the sight of his fierce and proud bond-mate curled on the floor, crying and clutching at his spark as if it pained him. He didn't understand what was going wrong, why he was coming to hate Starscream so completely. He just knew that the very sight of the seeker was enough sometimes to send him into uncontrollable fits of fury.

Megatron started as he heard the all-too-familiar sounds of his second's pede-fall. No other mech sounded quite the way Starscream did when he walked – something about the way he switched his weight from one pede to the other, ever mindful of delicate turbines, gave the steady *click-clack* an ominous tone that none of the other seekers could hope to replicate. The sound was fitting, he knew, given Starscream's rather predatorial nature.

He onlined his optics and stared at the door to his quarters. There had been a time, several vorns ago, where the two of them had shared quarters; had shared thoughts; had shared sparks. Now… now he alone occupied the spacious quarters, and their connection, their bond, was blocked by the both of them. He wasn't surprised that Starscream was coming to him – the seeker usually did after Megatron snapped and beat him into a sobbing wreck – but he was surprised that this meeting was coming so _soon_. Usually Starscream tended to sulk and hide for an orn or so before seeking him out. But now here was Starscream, approaching his quarters mere hours after being released from the med-bay.

The doors to his quarters opened, and there stood his bonded mate, gleaming and whole in the dim lighting. For a moment, he admired Hook's work – the make-shift medic was meticulous when it came to repairing Starscream, and it showed – and then his spark seized in a quickly growing familiar rage. He wanted to leap up and _break_ the seeker, rip out those empty crimson optics and tear off those glorious, tempting wings. The only thing that brought pause to his doing so was noticing just how _oddly_ Starscream was currently behaving.

Starscream was standing in the doorway, perfectly still, watching him with a perfectly blank facial expression and equally blank optics. More alarming was the missing null-rays. Starscream was never still, and _never_ unarmed. So, Megatron swallowed his rage and waited, watching his seeker watch him.

At last, Starscream entered his quarters and shut the door behind him. Then, with strangely slow, hesitant steps, the seeker crossed the room, pausing only when he was directly in front of Megatron, practically in between Megatron's splayed legs. Starscream did nothing further, said nothing, merely stood there and watched him steadily.

"Starscream," Megatron growled warningly.

There was a long moment of silence, before Starscream rather abruptly crawled into his lap. Megatron gaped, surprised. Starscream lowered his gaze to the emblem stamped onto Megatron's chassis, as slender fingers tipped in sharp claws trailed over Megatron's frame, mapping out well-known sensitive points, urging systems to speed up and very specific coding to activate.

Megatron growled, lowly, unwilling and unable to play these games so soon after an episode.

Starscream raised his optics from his intent gaze on Megatron's chassis, looking at the warlord directly. Megatron could only stare into his seeker's impassive gaze as all-too-clever digits finally trailed their way down to his interfacing panel. Teasing touches coaxed the panel open and his spike into pressurizing, and then there was a quiet *snick* as Starscream's own panel pulled back.

Megatron offlined his optics and hissed as Starscream adjusted his position and slowly, oh so slowly, impaled his entirely too-tight valve onto his spike. "What do you think you're doing?" he managed to grind out, servos coming to rest on Starscream's thin waist, preventing the seeker from moving.

"My Lord," Starscream murmured, voice now a permanent rasp from the day's earlier beating, which had involved heavy damage to the seeker's vocalizer. Clawed servos cupped his helm, and Megatron onlined his optics again. Starscream was still staring at him, but his gaze was no longer impassive. Fear was burning deep within them; fear, need, desperation, sadness, a hate so strong it could kill, and a deep, ever-needing love that knew no bounds or restrictions. A single tear rolled down Starscream's angled cheek-plating, and the seeker whispered brokenly, "_Love me_."

Megatron's processor froze. "_**What**_?" he asked, disbelieving.

Starscream tried to move his hips, keening sharply when Megatron tightened his grip and refused to let him.

"Answer me, Starscream," he growled out, optics intent upon his seeker's face.

"Please," Starscream cried out softly. "Lie to me if you must, but _love me_!"

There was another long moment of silence, both of them gazing intently at each other, a bond that would never truly fade echoing feelings of hate/love/need. And then, Megatron's servos moved, one to the small of Starscream's back, the other to one of the seeker's delicate wings. Starscream sighed, and began to move. Slowly at first, then faster and faster. Through it all, Megatron whispered lies of love and need and want in his seeker's audios.

Starscream keened, then exploded, overload taking him by surprise and feedbacking back to Megatron and forcing the warlord into overload as well. They stayed like that, seeker impaled upon Megatron's spike, vents whirring to cool them down, for the rest of the cycle.

Less than an orn later, Starscream was gone.

* * *

**Alright. So assume that in between each section that there are several vorns of violence between Megatron and Starscream. Each section isn't so much the next incident, as it is the next key cornerstone around which their relationship works. The first chapter was really just an introduction, a glimpse into the start of a cycle they can't end. This section is several vorns later: the war has already started, and is rapidly encompassing the entire planet, but they haven't left yet. This section is also the only one in which Starscream remains a passive entity to the abuse, so don't worry peeps: G1!Screamer will be making an appearance shortly. XD And yes, for those who are curious or need the further explanation: I did mean that Starscream left Megatron with that last line. And believe me, Megatron's reaction is not going to be pretty for Starscream.  
**

**Had a bit of a streak of inspiration on this fic yesterday, and spent the rest of the night typing this chapter up. It's not necessarily the chapter I wanted to upload, but it is something, and I'll take what I can get. XD In my profile are two things of interest for you guys. The first is a poll that I am highly curious to the answer to (vote, peeps), and the second is a complete listing of all current Transformers fics I'm working on or planning on working on. The profile organizer/formatting thingy is on the fritz, so it's a little messy, but it's there.**

**RnR?**

**EDIT 2/25/2011: I'm going through this entire story and editing it a bit. Primarilly fixing some spelling errors, adding a few sentences here and there, and changing the songs I use. I found some better ones. XD**


	3. Escalation

**Title:** This Love, This Hate

**Part 3: **Escalation

**By: **Ceris Malfoy

**Summary:** It was a sick cycle of love and hate, one they both wanted to be free of, but one they refused to give up.

**Inspiration:** Eminem's "Love the Way You Lie". This song practically screamed Megatron/Starscream to me, and I had to write it. Beware, this is not a happy story.

**Warnings: **_(for the whole fic)_ mentioned non-con, abuse, character death (as it appears in canon!), foul language, semi-explicit sticky, slash

**Continuity:** AU G1, starts pre-war

**Status: **Part 3 of 5

* * *

_"This state is elevating as the hurt turns into hating,_

_anticipating all the fucked up feelings again._

_The hurt inside is fading,_

_this shit's gone way too far!_

_All this time, I've been waiting_

_and, oh, I can not grieve anymore._

_For what's inside awaiting,_

_I'm not, I'm not a whore._

_You've taken everything and _

_oh I can not give anymore."_

_**-KoRn, "Here to Stay"**_

Starscream sat, helm in servos, and contemplated the empty void that had once been his bond. There was nothing were once had been the center of his existence; even the faint echo that had once served to remind him that no matter how bad things got he and Megatron were forever tied was missing. Apparently his off-lining, no matter how temporary the state of death ended up, had been too much for the already too-stressed bond to handle. Theirs was a love that should have prevailed; a love for the ages to be remembered long after they both offlined.

But somewhere along the lines he and Megatron had simply fallen apart. There was nothing left but the insults, beatings, humiliation, and a hatred that was just as deep and all-consuming as their love had been. He had stayed as long as he had, despite everything, because he had hoped that the two of them would learn better. But now…

Starscream raised his helm and stared at his reflection in the monitor. One whole side of his elegantly formed facial platting was bashed in, one optic a shattered wreck of dull-crimson glass and sparking wires. He tentatively touched the damaged side, mentally thanking the palliative drugs he had administered upon awakening when the touch produced merely a dull-throb where he _knew_ should have been a roaring inferno of pain. And his ruined facial plating was not even the worst of the damage he had taken – he refused to look down at the rest of him. Knowing what Megatron had done to him was bad enough; he didn't want to see the results of it.

"This has to end," he told his reflection.

He was tired of always being the one made to hurt; tired of being the one constantly crawling back to a situation he knew was entirely out of control; tired of knowing that it was far too late to just simply pick up and leave. He'd had his chance, and look how that had turned out! He had doomed them both to this sick cycle a long time ago the very first time he had given in and believed Megatron's pretty lies. Even now, even with all the pain and hatred between them, even when his former-mate had struck the blow that had killed him temporarily, he wanted nothing more than to have his lover back. He wanted to be held close and needed again. He wanted to belong to something greater than himself again.

Megatron was all he had.

"This has to end," he told his reflection again, somewhat desperately. He needed to be strong; needed to find someway to take control of the situation and break free of Megatron. Taking the cowards way out and running had failed horribly – a fact his battered, broken, and repeatedly-violated frame could easily attest to. He had once thought that leaving everything behind him would provide the answer – even if it meant off-lining alone and starving in the cold void of space.

Now though…

Starscream's reflection stared back at him with broken facial plating and a destroyed optic. Shifting his gaze a bit, he could see where his once-proud wings should have just teased the edge of the monitor. Now there was nothing.

He shuddered, his spark whirling in combined grief and rage. He could see only two ways to leave this cycle of theirs behind him. Either he gave in and allowed Megatron to continue beating him into the ground for little-to-no reason until one day the Decepticon Commander went too far and _permanently_ offlined him, or he escalated the violence in hopes that he could kill Megatron first. Because, unfortunately, Starscream knew that this was what they were reduced to; what _he_ would be reduced to if he wanted to break free.

He could either have his life, or he could have Megatron. He could never have both, and in either regard his pride was forfeit.

Glancing at where his wings should be, and then down his chassis (broken, just like the rest of him) and further down where his interfacing panel was (where it should have been, at any rate – Primus only knows what had happened to it after Megatron had ripped it off) and thought long and hard. He wanted Megatron. But he also wanted to be happy or, baring that (because he knew that happiness for him was short-lived and highly expensive), without regret.

If he allowed this to continue…. He glanced over at the bent and twisted frames of his null-rays gleaming in the corner of the room, studied them, noted every detail of their ruination. Megatron had made them unusable, had with his bare servos completely destroyed their simple elegance and deadly power. The Decepticon Commander would do the same to him if he hadn't already. Sure, the null-rays could be rebuilt, as could his body, but the _memory_ of it would never go away. He would never be able to wield a null-ray in battle without the memory of just how easily they could be torn off of him and destroyed; he would never be able to look at himself again without seeing the damage Megatron had dealt him over the vorns.

In the end, there really was no choice, was there? He met his gaze in the mirror again, watched the decision settle on his busted face. "Never again," he said.

* * *

**Oh boy, now it's gonna get interesting. XD **

**This segment takes place directly after the second one. I had been intending on writing out Megatron's reaction to Starscream abandoning him explicitly, but it didn't turn out so hot. I could write out the violence, the abuse, and the cruel mocking just fine – it was the rape that ended up sounding wrong, which in turn made the whole segment sound wrong. So, I decided to err on the side of caution and just do Starscream's portion.**

**As the center point in the story, I wanted it to be the portion where Starscream begins to undergo his change from abuse-victim to his G1 characterization, whom isn't so much an abuse-victim as he is a raging nut-bar. Megatron finally pushed him too far, took far too much from him, and now he's left with no other option but to push back or roll over and die. **

**And considering Starscream's canonical stubbornness when it comes to death and **_**staying**_** dead…. Well, let's just say the choice is definitely pretty friggin' easy.**

**EDIT 2/25/2011: I'm going through this entire story and editing it a bit. Primarilly fixing some spelling errors, adding a few sentences here and there, and changing the songs I use. I found some better ones. XD**


End file.
